Man Persecuted for Recessiotarian Diet
This guy was just trying to follow the rules. No meat unless it's free? He's got it. Plus petty theft is cool in 2009, and he had the foresight to predict that trend. Unfortunately, theft apparently only qualifies as "petty" if the net value of the borrowed goods is below $400. Moral of the story: steal the lobsters in one spree and the ribeye steaks in another.

May recessiotarians everywhere unite behind this bold man. "Police say he told investigators times are tough." You're goddamn right, Brian. You're goddamn right.