Recession Winners...DENTISTS.


This is far more offensive than Romney winning the CPAC straw poll vote (and Bobby Jindal getting second).

It is far more shocking than libraries experiencing recession booms. (Free books! Free internet! A free warm building to hang out in! Thanks for reporting, CNN - you, with the surprises.)

Dentists - yes, dentists - are winning the recession. SHARKS are losing, and DENTISTS are winning. I think I speak for everyone when I say...WHAT? It certainly seems to break the current trend of bad guys getting what's coming to them. Rich banker assholes? Losing. Greedy real estate moguls? Losing. Scary, baby-eating sharks? Losing. Republicans? Losing. Sadistic dentists....Winning.

It turns out, according to TIME, there are three reasons for this ridiculous phenomenon.

First of all, the wiser and more paranoid of the still-employed are using their dental insurance while they still can. (Some of us, in denial about our impending unemployment and poverty, failed to take this logical precaution - note to reader, don't be an idiot.) With an ever-growing population of paranoid patients, hanging onto their insurance by a thread, dentists are experiencing a boom of appointments for regular check-ups.

Second of all, the above-mentioned stupider of the recently unemployed (who failed to take this logical precaution) are now uninsured and unable to afford dental care. Remember how expensive COBRA is? Well, the good thing about COBRA is that it only costs a tiny bit to get dental coverage in addition to health insurance. This is completely irrelevant, however, since no one can afford COBRA. While you can get "cheap" health insurance, there is really no such thing as cheap dental insurance. Even the insured often end up spending thousands on procedures more serious than a filling.
Getting to the point - no one can afford dental care, so the uninsured are ignoring their toothaches and oddly discolored teeth until their problems become unbearable. The procedures they then need for their developed problems are far more costly than the quick fixes for their early-stage problems would have been. (Early stage: you have a popcorn kernel stuck between your teeth. Developed stage: we're removing all your teeth and replacing them with gold ones. You want the ones that look like real teeth? Get a job.)

Third of all, both groups (the paranoid employed and the sad, regretful, uninsured unemployed) are under so much stress that they are actually grinding and clenching their teeth apart. Dentists have seen a notable rise in tooth fractures, which they directly relate to the ubiquitous anxiety in our crumbling world.

This isn't right. Dentists are terrible people, and they don't deserve to win the recession. Paranoid people with jobs, I understand why you're doing what you're doing, and I support you. Suck your dental insurer dry while you still can. But sad, unemployed people - you're only hurting yourselves. You're hurting yourselves and helping the dentists - not right at all. Take your toothache to a dental school clinic. Many, like Columbia's, have flat-rate preliminary appointments for something like $85, including x-rays. $85 to a university instead of $700 towards your dentist's 16 year-old brat's new car? Correct. Straw poll vote for next winner? I voted for sharks.

Sharks
The Under-Acknowledged Victims of the Recession

Everyone's so upset about the middle class, the laid off workers and the poor, poor children, NO ONE thought to ask, "I wonder how the sharks are feeling about all this?" Well let me tell you. They are not feeling great. You think the poor, poor children are sad when they don't have toys to play with? The sharks haven't seen humans in MONTHS. While we humans have been wallowing in self-pity, we have failed to recognize that when our vacations are reduced to staycations, we are not alone in our suffering.

Shark attacks are WAY DOWN. Yeah, the Dow dropped to 7,114.78 today. Shark attacks dropped to 59 per YEAR in 2008. How's that for perspective?

Given our complete disregard for the needs and pains of sharks, we really had the enormous rise in fatalities coming. While shark attacks dropped by 17% between 2007 and 2008, fatalities INCREASED by 300%. Let's not pretend we weren't asking for it. If you don't give Jimmy a Christmas present for 10 years, when he finally gets that baseball, he's gonna bat the shit out of it.


Note: Second most under-acknowledged victims of the recession: Girl Scouts. Two mean teenagers stole $164 from Girl Scout Gracie the other day, leaving her cookie stash untouched (priorities?). Great heist, meanie teens. You know what that money was going to be used for? The Girl Scout trip to the AQUARIUM. Sorry, sharks - you lose again.

The Sky Is Falling
...Figuratively and Literally.

Well, it's always seemed rather ridiculous that 80 ton metal ships can fly, anyway. Now, it is finally being proven that belief in the myth was one of the elements enabling such a ridiculous victory over gravity to occur. As national hope is tumbling, so are the nation's aircrafts. As it turns out, airplanes simply cannot fly during a recession.

Within the last two months, three aircrafts have crashed. (December 20, 2008, one skidded off the runway of the Denver International Airport and burst into flames. January 15, 2009 - we all remember those birds beating that plane into the Hudson. Then, February 12, 2009 - plane from Newark mysteriously crashed over a house near Buffalo.) And now space trash is colliding and causing fireballs to fall over Texas.

Don't forget that buses aren't safe either. And the city's most reliable G train is slowing to a halt. Good thing you can only afford to walk, anyway.

Bloomberg's New Budget
Nothing is funny anymore. We're in a big pile of shit.

Mayor Bloomberg's budget for next year will cut 23,000 city jobs, require city employees to pay for their health care, and raise the sales tax. Good news, though: no income tax hike! Yay, at least we have that. Oh, well I don't have that...I don't have an income. What's that? You don't either? Well, yay for everyone else, anyway. (Except those 23,000.)

A Million Kajillion Jobs Cut Today
Did the man recently offer you a job? Your friend's uncle? McDonalds (opening 1,000 new stores, due to increased sales, a-woooooo!)? A low-budget film that can't afford to pay you now, but hopes to be able to soon? A hippie at a vegan sandwich shop, who's probably just trying to get into your pants? TAKE IT! THE END IS HERE.

COBRA is Unaffordable? WHAAAAAA?!

Thanks for pointing this out, Washington Post. I thought it looked like my COBRA insurance would cost $19 more than my rent every month, but I wasn't sure. This helps.


Caution when crossing the street is the new health insurance.

More People I Know Getting Mugged

...and in all the most perfect places (a.k.a. Portland and Brooklyn). It seems, based on my survey of two people, that more and more unarmed amateurs are mugging small amounts of cash from nice looking 22 year olds. They also swipe phones and ipods, and they WON'T give you your SIM card. Be forewarned. It's a recession.

Man Persecuted for Recessiotarian Diet
This guy was just trying to follow the rules. No meat unless it's free? He's got it. Plus petty theft is cool in 2009, and he had the foresight to predict that trend. Unfortunately, theft apparently only qualifies as "petty" if the net value of the borrowed goods is below $400. Moral of the story: steal the lobsters in one spree and the ribeye steaks in another.

May recessiotarians everywhere unite behind this bold man. "Police say he told investigators times are tough." You're goddamn right, Brian. You're goddamn right.

2008 Worst Year Since Great Depression

(Another shocker from the ever-quick-on-the-uptake newspapers.)