Sharks
The Under-Acknowledged Victims of the Recession

Everyone's so upset about the middle class, the laid off workers and the poor, poor children, NO ONE thought to ask, "I wonder how the sharks are feeling about all this?" Well let me tell you. They are not feeling great. You think the poor, poor children are sad when they don't have toys to play with? The sharks haven't seen humans in MONTHS. While we humans have been wallowing in self-pity, we have failed to recognize that when our vacations are reduced to staycations, we are not alone in our suffering.

Shark attacks are WAY DOWN. Yeah, the Dow dropped to 7,114.78 today. Shark attacks dropped to 59 per YEAR in 2008. How's that for perspective?

Given our complete disregard for the needs and pains of sharks, we really had the enormous rise in fatalities coming. While shark attacks dropped by 17% between 2007 and 2008, fatalities INCREASED by 300%. Let's not pretend we weren't asking for it. If you don't give Jimmy a Christmas present for 10 years, when he finally gets that baseball, he's gonna bat the shit out of it.


Note: Second most under-acknowledged victims of the recession: Girl Scouts. Two mean teenagers stole $164 from Girl Scout Gracie the other day, leaving her cookie stash untouched (priorities?). Great heist, meanie teens. You know what that money was going to be used for? The Girl Scout trip to the AQUARIUM. Sorry, sharks - you lose again.