Recessiotarianism

So, you and the federal government have noticed that there's a recession. Maybe what tipped you off was the smell of fear. Maybe it was those 533,000 jobs lost in November that made the Feds a little suspicious. Or, if I know you as well as I think you do, you've known for months that this is a recession, but upped your language to a quiet "depression?" (with a little D, calm the fuck down) when you got laid off in November and stopped being able to afford food. Am I right?

Luckily, there is a diet just for you. Recessiotarianism is the first of example of Ways to Make the Recession Fun.* This is especially important for those layoffs (we'll nickname them "The November 533,000") who might be starting to feel a little stir-crazy now that they've realized that unemployment has no end in sight.

The general principle of Recessiotarianism is that you have very little money, so you should only spend it on food products that
A. are dirt cheap (the pocket principle)
B. will last long enough to be fully used (the buffalo principle) and
C. will provide you with enough nutrients to survive (the anti-starvation principle).

Take meat, for example. A recessiotarian will only eat meat if it is free. The healthier cuts of meat are expensive, violating rule A. Many healthier meats, with their low levels of preservatives, are also not time-enduring (unless made into jerky - if you see a deal on bulk meat and you want to dry some for the winter, it would be considered an acceptable exception). The cheaper meats, which violate neither A nor B, most certainly violate C, and might even kill you. Free steaks are allowed. Free buffalo steaks are allowed. Healthy and free. Free hot dogs are also allowed. You can't spend your money on hot dogs. You only have $6 and their only nutritional value is their high levels of death-hastener. However, it's free. Eat it with all the free ketchup and free mustard you like. Throw in some free relish. Fuck if I care.

What should a recessiotarian eat?

1. Produce.

Many produce items are shockingly cheap. Of course, this item requires regular visits to your corner produce store, as produce will rot. You save nothing by buying in bulk, as produce is generally sold by weight, so it's not worth the risk. Buffalo principle.

Don't be a brat. Artichokes? Asparagus? Tomatoes on the vine? RASPBERRIES IN DECEMBER?? NO. Don't give in to your pre-recession taste buds.

Sacrifices must be made. Other things you love but can no longer afford include:
- Cheese. (If you need to add a little of that fake parmesan from a can to everything, do it. It doesn't spoil or cost much because it's not real food.)
- Quinoa. (No meat or quinoa? No protein?! See magic ingredient #1.)
- Trader Joe's Pre-made anything. (During a recession, we either cook [NB: microwaving does not count] or we eat raw vegetables. If you need to visit Trader Joe's, it had better be for Two Buck Chuck.)
- Fancy drinks. (There are now four beverages in your life:
i. tap water
ii. coffee (brewed at home)
iii. tea
iv. liquor (post to look out for: Recession Boozin'))

Some of the best recession vegetables are:
A. Red cabbage. Delicious, full of vitamins, will make your salad prettier.
Medium-sized head of red cabbage: $1.25
B. Yellow cabbage. Also great for you, although not as delicious raw, in my opinion. A very good ingredient for making recession soups.
C. Spinach. Baby spinach? NO. Don't be ridiculous. We eat adult spinach during a recession. Sometimes we eat frozen spinach because it's actually pretty good, tossed in with a SMALL amount of butter (butter - not recession priced) and some pasta or something.
D. Onions and garlic. Both cheap and flavorful, plus garlic cures cancer or something.
Produce list to be continued.

2. Sources for carbs when you're having one of those I'd-like-to-feel-full-after-my-meal days:

I. Pasta. Whole wheat pasta? NO.
II. Rice. Fancy Indian rice? Special long-grain brown rice? PROBABLY NO. Check the prices. If you're at a magical grocery store where delicious rice and boring rice are the same price, more power to you.

3. MAGICAL RECESSION FOOD: BEANS!!!!!!
Even canned beans are cheap. Dried beans are even cheaper. Beans are delicious. Beans are full of protein. Beans are the new meat, the new quinoa, the new ice cream. And they're good for your heart.


*Disclaimer: Very few of these will be what the common man might call "fun," but they might help distract you from those sad 8 hours on weekdays formerly known as "work days."